The first duty of love is to listen. -Paul Tillich

My teacher likes the girls better than the boys, David complained to me the spring of his 3rd grade year.

How can you tell? I asked. What does she do that makes you say that? I wasnt immune to the media informing parents that teachers treated boys better than girls in our schools. As a woman supporting feminism I wasnt happy about this news. As the mother of boys I was secretly hopeful that my children might get more, simply because of their gender.

She spends more time with the girls, David explained to me. She gives them special privileges and doesnt yell at them for stuff. When a boy does something, like let the door slip when shutting it so that it bangs closed she yells. But if a girl does the exact same thing she doesnt say a word. Clearly David had been observing and gathering evidence to support his belief that his teacher liked the girls better than the boys.

Whether Davids position was accurate or justified, I knew he had a problem. The relationship and connection between a child and teacher is extremely important. Children want their teacher to like them. Of course children can do well, learn and achieve whether their teacher likes them or not. But school is more satisfying and fun if a child believes his teacher likes him.

I happened to know Davids teacher. She and I were not friends, but were acquainted as soccer Moms. Her two sons and my sons played together on the same soccer team. I was quite sure that she did like David. Because I knew she was the mother of only sons I was also suspect of Davids belief that she preferred girls over boys. But if David didnt think she liked him, if David believed she preferred girls to boys then he had a problem.

As the mother, my job was to help my child with problems, wasnt it? I easily arrived at a plan that I was sure would be successful in helping David and his teacher repair any rift between them and help them start reconnecting. I even knew how I could do this in a way that wouldnt offend Davids teacher.

Having quickly arrived at this plan for success I made my critical error. I asked David if he wanted me to talk with his teacher.

David, would you like me to speak with your teacher? I asked.

No, he quickly replied.

No? But David, I think I can help.

No Mom, I dont want you saying anything. Youll only make things worse. David was quite clear.

I explained to him that I wasnt going to tattle on him or accuse her of anything or complain or be critical in any way. I told him I would be willing to start the conversation with his teacher. I felt certain that once she had the information about Davids feelings that she would reach out and perhaps even observe her own actions more closely. I thought she might discover what, if anything she was doing to give the impression of preferring girls over boys.

No Mom, David said. Instead of just treating the boys badly shell be mad with me. Dont say anything.

Now I really was in a pickle. My son was sure his teacher didnt like him simply because he was a boy. And he wouldnt let me intervene and help. What was I suppose to do? Could I simply do nothing as my son requested? I tried one more time to convince him that I could help.

David, your teacher knows me from soccer. She knows you from soccer. Because we have more of a relationship than just her being your teacher I think she would be willing to hear what I have to say and not take it out on you. I really think I can help.

No Mom. Dont do anything.

So I was stuck. If only I hadnt asked Davids permission. How could I go and speak with his teacher after David was so emphatic that I should remain silent? David wasnt sure he could change the situation. But for him, enduring the status quo seemed to be a better solution than taking a chance of making the relationship worse.

And so David taught me another lesson about being a good parent. Sometimes a good parent neednt do anything. Action, even on my own childs behalf was not called for. David was asking for a sympathetic ear. It was irrelevant if his feelings were accurate, justified or way off the mark. What David wanted was for me to willingly, lovingly and silently listen to his school experience.

This has been no easy lesson for me. By nature I tend toward planning, action, and solutions, when faced with problems. Where my children are concerned Im even more ferocious. If Paul came running to me with a bleeding knee, I washed and treated the wound. If David needed a book for his school assignment I searched our book shelves, or ran to the library to find a book he would enjoy. If my child is hungry I feed him. If my child needs clean clothes, I do laundry. Planning, acting and solving problems as a matter of course has intensified since the day my children were born. So to sit idly by and do nothing felt like an impossible obstacle for me. David completed 3rd grade successfully, despite his attitude and opinion of his teacher. This teacher has not achieved the status as one of his best teachers. But she also didnt make the list of his worst teachers. These many years later David still remembers her as the teacher who blatantly preferred the girls over the boys.

But for me, Davids 3rd grade experience is remarkable for another reason. When David was in the 3rd grade he taught me that sometimes lovingly listening is my first duty. Sometimes my child doesnt need a problem solved. Sometimes my child needs an ally, a witness, a true love to simply understand with compassion his present life experience. Thank you David for teaching me more about what it means to be a Mom.